Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:

I'm a 34-year-old soft butch and I've been friends with a straight married chick for three years. Her husband has no problem with us hanging out; however last week, she asked me to make love to her. At first I was blown away, but I fucked her anyway. They left town shortly after and while away, she called me. When she heard another chick's voice in the background she got upset and said that I was a jerk and it didn't take me long to move on before hanging up. So, I'm sitting here going WTF? I'm confused about her reaction and the whole situation. I still want to be her friend but I'm not sure we can pretend it never happened.

Dazed & Cuntfused

Dipstick: Lipstick, Lipstick, Lipstick. How many times do we have to tell these ladies not to mess around with straight women? They just never listen, do they?

Lipstick: They never do! WTF is right, Cuntfused.

Dipstick: I'm sorry DC, but you blew it when you slept with her. Your friendship is over. What did I do wrong, you ask? I was only doing what she asked me to do? You of all people should know that butch-loving is like crack; once a lady has some she’ll never get enough. The only way you're going to keep this het in your life is if you continue fucking her. But that’s not gonna work with hubby around, is it? Learn from your mistake and the next time a married chick asks you to hold her kitty, sneeze violently and tell her you’re allergic.

Lipstick: You knew better, but you couldn’t keep your hand out of the cookie jar, so now you’re paying the price for licking her poodle…or rather stealing a snickerdoodle. Even though we continue browbeating—you dykes won’t stop sleeping with straight chicks!—we do understand that sometimes sex just happens. Pull up your pants and walk away from this cuntfusion immediately.

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:

My friend who's also a lesbian has had her personal ad on Curve for over two years. She goes online everyday searching. We met each other on the site a while back, briefly dated, but decided to become friends instead, as we were incompatible. She’s been looking for a long-term relationship for ages now with very little success. I know for a fact that she's met a lot of quality women (including myself), but I’m beginning to wonder if the problem is her. My question is: When should one decide to give up the online dating search? Having an online ad up for two years seems ridiculous.

Miles Away

Lipstick: Never give up on love. It’s one of the only pure and idyllic things left in this world. Miles Away, are you asking because you’re the one thinking about throwing in the towel? We get a lot of questions from women who write in for their “friends." Either way, you mustn’t lose hope. Whether it’s a single mom in Columbus or an eccentric art dealer in Detroit, there are plenty of women out there, and your friend—err you—just hasn’t found her yet. Trust that you’re not ready. When you are, she will appear. In the meantime, change that ad—new pics, new verbiage—and reinvent yourself. Remember, we manifest everything in our lives, so don’t dwell on what you’re *not* getting. Instead, focus the power of your intention on what you want.

Dipstick: Here Lipstick goes again. On one of her new age rants. Pure and idyllic, please…are sure you're not an alien from planet Venus? Dipstick is more grounded, so here's what I have to say Miles: Butt out of your friend's business. Maybe she loves the idea of dating lots of quality women, shagging them and cruising for the next hot catch. Even if, like you suggest, she is being too finicky, and won't settle down with one girl because she hopes that something better is just a click away, it's her life to live. Since you seem to be such a lesbian dating expert, perhaps you should start an advice column of your own?

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:

I am in a relationship with a woman named Denise. The problem we have is associated with her smoking, drinking and recreational drug habits. I’ve told her how much they hurt me, but she continues boozing and puffing away. What compounds the situation is that we live together and I didn’t know she did all these things before I moved in. What should I do? Should I move out?

Tense Terry

Dipstick: Before you move out, go to an Al-anon meeting. Once there, you’ll meet others who are in the same predicament. Soon you’ll realize you can’t control or cure Denise’s destructive habits, just like you can’t control the lesbian condition to move in with someone you don’t even know. Trying to do so will only frustrate you and make the situation worse.

Lipstick: TT, is there anything about Denise you like? How could you not know she was a tobacco-breath-booze-loving-midnight-toker prior to shacking up? Before you move out, take a moment and pick up one of the roaches she left in the ashtray. Now light that little fucker and take a hit. Feeling better?

Dipstick: Lipstick, you’re joking, right? There’s a saying in Al-anon: “Let it begin with me." Heed that advice, Terry. Stop trying to change Denise and focus on yourself. Eventually you may decide it’s time to leave, but it’s important to understand how you got into this situation in the first place.

Lipstick: I was kidding, Dip. Tense Terry shouldn’t start using illegal drugs; a shot of tequila is a much better idea. Don’t forget the lime and salt!

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:

I’m stationed in Iraq and met a sweet Australian named Janet in a chat room a couple months ago.  I enjoy talking to her, but a month ago I started dating a girl in my unit, Audrey, and am totally into her.  We’ve made plans to move in together when we get home from Iraq and I’m in love.  Last week, I started getting letters in the mail from Janet saying she loves me and she’ll wait forever for us to be together.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to hurt this Australian girl.  I told Audrey everything and I've just been ignoring Janet. I don't know what to say and I feel like a total ass.  What can I do?

Sand in My Eye

Lipstick:  Sandy, you are a total ass, and Lipstick is appalled that you left this little Koala cold and alone in the outback.  What can you do?  You tell her you’ve met someone else, Ding-a-ling!  Like a bad case of herpes, you can’t ignore Janet.  She may stop writing and appear to go away, but you’ll always be the dyke without a spine, the one responsible for her broken heart.  Besides, being in Iraq, she’ll probably think something horrible happened to you.  Spare this innocent girl and tell her the truth.  Don’t ask, don’t tell doesn’t apply here.  Step up soldier.

Dipstick: Lipstick is right! And let me warn you about looking for lesbian love in Internet chat rooms.  Haven’t you heard?  The latest military mission isn’t to catch Osama Bin Ladan or to thwart the next attack on America, but instead to ambush the bush loving bush (and I’m not talking about Jeb in Florida).  A word of warning: gay chat rooms are ground zero.  With the electronic trail, you’re more likely to be caught cybersexing Janet than peeking inside Audrey’s tent.  Follow Lipstick’s advice, give the Australian lass her discharge papers and sign out of the chat rooms.

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:

I'm a 21 year-old lesbian who works at the mall.  There's this girl that works across the way in Sephora that I see all the time.  At times, when we make eye contact, I think she may be interested, but I can't get the nerve to ask her out. I think she’s a lesbian, but I’m not sure.  She has short hair and a masculine leather watch.  If I ask her out and she says no, it'd be really awkward to see her everyday.  And I’m not sure it's appropriate to go into her workplace to get her phone number because all of her co-workers know where I work.  How can I find out if she's gay?

Mall Rat

Lipstick: I love Sephora!  Mall Rat, what makes you think you need to run up to her and say “Hi, can I have your phone number?  I wanna chow your box.”  Why not just introduce yourself, say that you’ve seen her across the way, figured she was new and wanted to say hello?  Feel her out (no, do NOT use your hands!) and, while you’re looking into her eyes, turn up your gaydar.  What kind of energy is she giving off?  Once you’re face-to-face, labia-to-labia, I bet you’ll know. Ask her when she has a break—maybe you could shag and grab her tits.  Oops, I meant grab a bag of chips!  Sorry.  Didn’t mean to get ahead of myself.

Dipstick:  Rat, she’s a lesbo.  Straight girls do not wear men’s watches, even in Sephora, whatever that is.   What you need to do is catch this customer service worker off-duty.  Hitting on a gal while she’s on the job is risky business.  Here’s the plan: Challenge the Sephora team to a friendly game of softball, her store versus yours.  If the girl can bat and throw, you’re golden.  Get her drunk at the post-game party and go for it!

~ Read more teasers on page two …